Weekend of 2/25-2/26

I was so happy to have the opportunity to catch up with a high school friend whom I have not seen since High School.  A lot of time has passed since we graduated and It was almost like being on a first date..... are they still going to like me ? How has he/she changed ? How have I changed ?

Anyways, we "ate" lunch for 5 hours !!! Ha ha ha
I guess it was a good date ! LOL
We had a blast, it was like old times, and I realized there was no need to be nervous.  How silly of me.  I love that I can connect with people from my past and we can forge new meaningful relationships now. 
The one thing that I have seen is people change, people mature and grow.
( were not all the same people we were in High School )

Not that we were all bad in High School....... but I have amazing friendships with people that never gave me the time of day before and if we had tried back then we may have seen that we had a lot in common.  And some people that were my "best friends" dont even bother to give me the time of day....... so go figure ?

Adoption Progress

Sorry I am so late in writing Folks
The week of 2/20-2/26 was intense with work, adoption stuff, and school work !

So lets start with the adoption progress !!

Dan and I went to Adoption Star on Tuesday 2/21/2012 ( which also was Caleb's 5 month anniversary ) -- so hard to believe how different my life is 5 months from the day that my son passed away.  I mean if you had told me anything that day about Hope, or love or more children I probably would have bitten your head off.  Now I am so blessed with new friends, new hope, and I know that my son brought all of this to me.  So I thank God for Caleb daily. 

We met with our Family Advocate Missy, who is a trip.  So much fun to be around and has an all around amazing sense of humor and light about her.  She's very positive and gives me full hope that a child will be placed with Dan and I sooner rather than later.

So we were given a "plethora" of paperwork to do, including financial, medical, and preference paperwork.  And let me tell you we sat down and DID IT ALL !!!
( some people never turn there's back in )
It can be a little daunting, it includes certified marriage certificate, birth certificates, finger printing etc......

But I feel so good to have that piece of it done.
Now its just on to our classes in April & May
Once those are completed we can be eligible to be home studied !!
And after that......... crossing our fingers !
Looking forward to a blessed end to 2012

School Days ( this weekend )

For those of you who do not know I have started attended Graduate School at Medaille.  It is the accelerated MA program in Mental Health Counseling.  It meets one full weekend a month for 2.5 years

I LOVE IT !!!

Its fun, challenging, thought provoking and it has opened my eyes to many things that an LMHC can do in the community. 

Some Myths about LMHC's :

1.  Were "lower" than LCSW-R's
( actually we have more clinical hours and training then them )

2. We are not " billable" or Reimbursable without that "R" number
( False - we can be billed through an agency once we graduate and once we take our Licensure exam we can open a private practice )

3. That all types of counseling involves a couch/chair/counselor
( not true..... life skills, Higher Ed, Equestrian --- lots of places to go here )

Anywho, I love it, and I am very much looking forward to the rest of my program
Abnormal Psych is next/now and I love it.  Its easy to read and interesting.

My classmates for the most part are awesome too. 
There are a few that grate on my nerves, the ones who think they know it all, the ones who try to talk over the teacher, the ones who offend (me) without even knowing it.  But with 18 people its bound to happen right ? And when crammed into close quarters like that too.......
I take a deep breath and keep on trucking !

On a side note...... Adoption Consult is tomorrow to start the process !
WAY EXCITED about that !!

WTH ??

OK, so why is it that when you have the balls to call someone out for " not doing" there job you get the back lash ?

Like because my boss doesn't feel well the last couple of days he doesn't want to "boss"

Like theres only so far I can go or only so long I can feel bad for you.  Stay home if you don't feel well.  I do.  But if your gonna come to work at least be the freaking boss. 

And then when I call someone out on not doing the right thing ( consistently ) I get told I am whining, or not seeing the glass as half full ??

REALLY ?? Cause I am sick of doing someone else's work, TWICE ? ! ?

What the @@!*

OK......... Whew !
I feel better now ! ( Kinda )

I just turned on my IPhone's music and I am trying to mellow at my desk

Bad Day ??

So you ever have a "bad day" ?  I mean like NOTHING goes right ??
I feel like Alexander in the book the "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day !"

So I woke up ( good )
Got Dressed ( good )
Found bad zit..... almost uncover able with make up ( bad )
Left for work ( eh )
Bought Lunch at Wegmans (ok )
Went to Starbucks ( Yum )
Practically Run over in the Parking Lot ( bad )
Man Bumped into me @ Starbucks cause he was too busy talking on phone/ordering coffee/making change ( annoying - bad )
Got cut off on way to work ( bad )
Good Parking Spot at work ( Yeah ! )
First call of day ( Awful !! )
Manager up my a** ( Very Bad )
People mispronouncing Mammogram ( just a pet peeve )

Yeah so its 12:57pm.  I am exhausted, annoyed, and its not even lunch time yet.
Calgon take me away !!!

And By the way -- its my blog, so this is my definition of a bad day.  If you were just diagnosed with Cancer or something you win.  You had the worse day,  but this is MY form of venting, so HA !

Happy Hearts day to everyone !!

Or Singles awareness day to those that are Single.  LOL
I am lucky enough to have my husband, and my son Caleb in heaven looking down on me this Valentines Day, so I know that I am loved. 

But we should never take the people that we love for granted, especially because we know that life is short, and there are no guarantees. 

A year ago at this time ( sorry about the TMI....... ) Caleb was conceived.  Its hard to believe that a year later he is not even here.  So please hug your loved ones extra tight and love them with all your heart everyday ! Not just today. 

Hopefully a year from now I will be able to look back on this blog and be able to be hugging my new Valentine from a gracious birth mother. 
My  Love to you all on this day !

Weekend

So the weekend was ok.  Interesting really, I was feeling really good about blogging and some people expressed to me that they thought I was "putting to much out there"  and that I should keep things private.

But the whole point of Blogging is to talk, or vent, or to get things out there. So to those who don't like it...... don't read it. ( and I will say no more about it )

I Had dinner at my cousins house on Sat, so much fun to hang out with them and their kids.  The boys are a riot !! They remind me that I am meant to be a mother, and I am lucky enough to have them to practice on. 

Cautiously Optimistic

Hello everyone !

Last night Dan and I went to Adoption Star for our open House. 
First off I can't say more than enough wonderful things about the agency !!
They are soooo friendly, so helpful, there is a lot of educational information and help at every turn.

We also made some friends there ! A family that adopted in Nov 2011 came to tell their experience and I felt like it was a sign.  They reminded me so much of Dan and I.  They were funny, warm and open about the entire process.  The ironic thing is their little adopted boy named Nick has a Kidney issue...... who needed a better sign than that ?
I felt like I was home, like I had found the place that I wanted to make my forever family. 

So the Process in General goes as such :
1. Open House with Agency ( intake paperwork )
2. Initial Consultation
3. Complete required Documentation ( lots of it )
- ex: referrals, medical, financial papers, Make a profile
4.  Take educational Classes
5. Home Study
6. Wait to be Matched
7. Placement
8. Finalization -- This is more legal with the courts


After hearing all that lie ahead I am all ready to jump on board, Dan and I submitted our initial paperwork required showing that we were interested. We have our consultation on 2/21/2012.  We are very excited to get the process moving !

What do ya'll think ??
I would love to hear from you guys

Thank you !!

For those of you reading and commenting on my Facebook thank you for your kind words.  I hope you enjoy my rants........ LOL

I do not know if I have said enough, and I know that more things are coming.  But I am glad to touch even a few of your lives. 

Tonight Dan and I are going to Adoption Star in Williamsville for an Open House on Adoption.  I hope to learn a lot as I know not too much other than what I read in " An Idiots Guide to Adoption" and what the Adoption Star Website has posted.....(which is very thorough)

I have also come to find that at least two of my friends unbeknownst to me until now are adopted ! Yeah for Birth moms !! I can only hope and pray that someone finds us worthy to raise their child. 

So Thanks for the Love !! I will post after the open House and let you know how it goes !

So Now What ??

Now Daniel and I have made the decision to adopt.  Were very excited and scared all at the same time.  There is so much to do, its not cheap, and there is alot to consider.
Domestic, International, Infant, Toddler, Special Needs ?
Yikes !!!!

Good News is we are going to an agency open house tomorrow and I am looking forward to learning more about all that there is to learn about our options.
I feel like we have been so discouraged lately and something has to go our way soon.

Dan and I really had no "Newlywed" year since all of this happened to us in 2011.
We are truly hoping for a more enjoyable 2012.
Wish us luck as we start our adventure into adoption !
We know its going to be a long road, but we have been on a long road already, and we have learned that we love each other all the more. 
We are ready to open our hearts to a child, and let that child help us become complete as a family !

Kidney Issues

As if it couldn't get worse..... this is where the title for my Blog comes from.
I am being followed by my Kidney Specialist and I received a call out of the blue in December that went something like this :

"Hi this is ____ from Dr. ____ office.  We are calling to schedule your Biopsy"
Me : " I'm sorry ? "
Office : "We are calling to schedule your Biopsy"
Me: " Of what? "
Office : "Your Kidney"
Me: "Why ?"
Office: "Oh has the Dr. not talked to you yet ? " -- ( Clearly not ) " I will have him call you"
Me: " Yeah thanks for that"
Office: "Well you still need to be scheduled, how is Jan 11th ? "
Me: " Ok Fine"

So the Dr. calls a few hours later and I am a blubbering mess.  Why in God's green earth are we biopsying my Kidney ? I thought I was doing well ? Dr says that I am still spilling a lot of protein.  If I truly had Pre-eclampsia I would have rectified this by now and be back to zero protein.  I'm not even close.  So they would like to biopsy me to see if I have underlying Kidney disease.
(Oh wonderful, something else to worry about ) -- PS My Father is a Kidney Transplant patient from 2008, ya think I have Kidney disease ?  Hmmmmmmm

So I go for the Kidney Biopsy, and I have the results 5 days later..... you guessed it.
I have a Kidney disease called Focal segmental glomerulosclerosis (FSGS)
In lay mans terms my Kidneys are slowing scarring over, and where they are scarred they are not filtering correctly.  Causing Protein spillage and high BP.  ( this masks itself as Pre-Eclampsia in Pregnancy )
So I am being treated for this disease, there is no cure.  I can only ope to slow the disease with medicine, and weight loss.  They say that it is not hereditary, but come on...... what are the odds ?
Also bad news....... according to my OBGYN and Kidney specialist it is not safe for me to carry my own children.

The FSGS causes normally "healthy" women to deliver on average between 25-27 weeks in their pregnancies.  I already did that with Caleb.  It could be detrimental to my health, my Kidney health, and of course I could lose another child.  I just cant put myself, Dan, or anyone through that again.

Life Post Caleb

As you can imagine, Life Post Caleb is hard.  Dan and I miss our son with a grief that goes beyond all explanation.  The loss of a child is indescribable,unbelievable, and messes with all that we know to be true.  No parent is supposed to out live their child.  EVER

Yet we are being forced to accept an awful truth that will not change.  Our son is gone and is not coming back.  Yes he is in a much better place, he is in no pain, and I know that I will see him again.  My faith allows me that much.  But that does not always dull the insurmountable grief that sweeps over me when I least expect it.

My Husband keeps it all inside, he doesn't talk.  Some days I do not know how he continues on.  He has his outlets and I have mine.  I go to Perinatal Loss Support Group.  I have made some amazing friends under the saddest of circumstances. 
Dan goes to Karate and Boy Scouts ( he is a leader ) to release his stress. 

We both go to work, which can be hard on us both.  He works in a Hospital facility where he has had to face deceased children and infants before and after our ordeal.  In the insurance industry I am always talking to happy pregnant women who want to know their benefits for maternity.  There are constant reminders of what we had and can not have again.

Caleb's Story 7/29/2011-9/21/2011

My husband and I were eager to start a family as any newly married couple would be.
We had been trying for approx 6 months before we realized on March 4, 2011 that I was pregnant with our first ( and what appears to be our last ) biological child.

I called my husband and made him come home from work because I was so excited to find out that I was pregnant ! When I showed him the pregnancy test he asked me in a perplexed tone " if the test was broken" ?  We had a good laugh about that later on.

We were not going to find out what we were having, and we had a pretty uneventful pregnancy until about the beginning of my fourth month.  I was at my OB check up and the Dr. said that I was spilling too much protein in my urine.  My response to this was " I always spilled protein in my urine" -- which I had been since about 2005 ) Since no one ever questioned it, I always assumed it was normal. 
Guess what...... Its not, especially when you are pregnant.  This is a warning sign of Pre-ecalmpsia.  A very dangerous circumstance where you spill protein and your Blood pressure escalates to dangerous proportions.  This can cause pre-term labor, strokes, and fetal death if not treated.

I was blissfully ignorant, and when the Dr advise that I see the High Risk Clinic of my Children's Hospital I went.  I was not happy about it, but away I went.  When I was there I was referred to a Kidney specialist to follow my protein spillage.  But so far at fourth months I was looking "ok". Not great, but not bad. 

I saw My Kidney specialist on 7/11/2011.  I was advised that this pregnancy would not last past 30 weeks, and if I was lucky I would make it that far.  ( at this point I was at 22 weeks ) This was upsetting, but I kept telling myself that I would beat the odds,  This was my first and that was not going to happen to me.  The Dr. said I was swelling and needed to stay in bed.  I thought because it was the middle of July that all pregnant women were swelling. 

I started to feel ill on 7/26/2011.  I had a backache that I could not get rid of and I tried everything.  It didn't feel like labor, but It was a dull ache.  I tried hot pack, cold pack, Tylenol, hot and cold showers.  Finally after 6 hours I called my mom who is a nurse and she told me to call the Hospital.  They advised me to come in and make sure I was not in labor. 

My mom raced me to the Hospital and I thought she was being silly.  I in no way thought that this was it.  When I arrived they triaged me and determined that I was not in labor, but my BP was so high that they needed to monitor me before I could be released.  ( BP was 220/110 -- way high )

I stayed in the Hospital having my BP monitored and attempted to be brought down with medicine and Magnesium Sulfate.  On the morning of 7/29/2011 I was advised by the Physicians that my son would need to be delivered because they were unable to locate his heart rate and that he was in distress.  Off I went for the Emergency C-section.

When I woke up all I wanted to know was if my son was alive, which he was.  He was in the NICU and he was fighting.  I had no idea what day it was, who I was or what was happening. It took some time for me to realize the scope of what was really going on.

Caleb James lived in the NICU for 58 days.  He fought Staph, Urinary Tract Infections, Jaundice, Heart Surgery and a myriad of other issues.  On his fourth trip through the staph infection the Drs called a meeting with my husband and I and asked us to make a decision regarding his life.  We had to choose whether to let Caleb live and suffer or die in peace.

We choose to let him die in peace on 9/21/2011.  We held him in our arms for 97 minutes after he was unhooked from all of the machines, bathed him, took his hand and footprints, dressed him and kissed him goodbye.  Our Angel was off to heaven.

About Me

My name is Jamie.  I am 32 years old, and mother to an Angel in heaven named Caleb James.  I am married to my husband Dan and we have a dog named Charley. 
This is our story, one of happiness, sadness, and the journey we are currently on to start our family. 

I am currently working Full time in the insurance industry, and persuing my Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling.  I should graduate in August 2014, and then I hope to focus in perinatal grief and loss. Based on this we are starting on the Adoption Journey 2/9/2012

Dan works Full Time in the security industry.  My husband has epiliepsy and although he keeps trying a career in law enforcement alludes him, but he has his Bachelors in Criminal Justice.

We started dating in 2000.  He proposed in 2007, on my birthday and we got married in Nov 2010.