Back in the Land Of the Living

Hello All !

It feels so good to be back amongst living people. 
Doing normal mundane things like driving my car, going to work, and watching TV.
You ever wake up from a really good dream and try really hard to get back to sleep or you've got the flu and promise yourself you'll appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it. That's how I felt all last week !

This week is better.  Its cold out but the sun is high in the sky.
I have a hair appt Sat.  That's always fun and exciting.

I am struggling a little with my new identity of being me, or how others see me, or how I see me. 

I am a Full Time employee, Graduate Student, Mother, Bereaved Parent, Soon to be Adoptive Parent, Short, Obese, Woman. Pretty much in that order.

I am having a hard time with reconciling events that are coming up that have to do with Infant Loss when I am not particularly "sad" at the moment.  I have moved onto a different stage of grief. For a few months now I have felt Happy, Blessed, Thankful, and Proud of my son Caleb and the time I was granted with him. So the idea of going to any events that would make me sad bother me.
I do not want to be comforted, I do not want to be coddled, I do not want to be bo-hooed.  Instead I want to smile, and dance, and remember all of the good that my son has brought into my life and continues to do on a daily basis :

1.  Graduate School - without Caleb I would never have found the strength to go back to school for my calling of really helping people

2.  Kidney Disease - Not a wonderful thing in it of itself but now that I know I have it I can better live my life, get healthy and live longer

3. Adoption - Caleb has brought us the opportunity to have a brother or sister for him through the gift of adoption as well as some wonderful irreplaceable people that I have met in Amy & Chris & Nick ( their family is such a God Send )
We were meant to meet !



I am so Blessed and Happy this year as opposed to last year.  2012 is meant to be our year ! Don't get me wrong, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my son or miss him terribly.  But Now I know why they say things happen for a reason.
Caleb fulfilled his reasons for us in just 58 days.  I am so lucky to have gotten a chance to be his mommy. 

So Sick

Hi all.........
Sorry to be absent from blogging but I have been sick, very sick since Sunday.  It really sucks because this has been a record breaking week of 82 degree temps and I have literally been in bed, shades down,
fan on. 

But since I have enough strength to get to the computer today, I figured I could blog about my sickness. Ha ha

Well its again sinusitis, Bronchitis, and the Dr thinks I get this twice a year because the tubes in my ears are not formed right, and therefore the phlegm backs up and then it collects virus's and then I get sick.  Fun right ?

Anyways I am on a dose of antibiotics finally and starting to feel a little better.
I am hoping that some of the of nice weather will still be there when I venture out of the house.


But........

This weekend should be nice !!
I have a Pedi and my first hot stone massage and then a Pampered Chef Party on Sat !
So Baring any setbacks with my health I should have a nice weekend. 

Good Days, Sunshine

I feel like a kid.  Its sunny out and my first instinct is to go outside and play !
I want to go outside into the sun.  Hmmmmm I hate being an adult.

Well on that note, my day has not been that exciting.
I had some labs this morning before work, I am now working.

My Best friends bought a new Van today ! Very exciting for them !
I am so looking forward to the weekend.

Going to the Buffalo Zoo for the first time in probably 10 years easy.......
With my Best friends who just bought the van and their children. 
Its going to be Sunny and Beautiful and warm and fun !

Saturday night we have Dan's Grandmothers 89th B-day party !
OMG !! That's quite the accomplishment. It is important that we go, but it makes me realize that I hope she will be around for at least one of our adopted children. 

Our Adoption Agency Adoption Star released their 2011 statistics today
They placed 57 babies in 2011 ( so approx a little over 1 per week )
They placed 68.4 % healthy Babies and 31.6 % were considered at risk for special needs ( birth parents could have been drug exposed or mental illness background)
31 Boys
26 Girls
They mostly paced Caucasian babies , then African and Biracial, and lastly Other ( Indian, Asian, etc..... )
Average wait time in 2011 was 8.1 months

This gives me such hope ! I am smiling from ear to ear !

And it keeps Getting Better

So How excited was I after the longest day imaginable that I had a last minute dinner invitation to my friends house ? Very Excited !!
I needed some adult time.....
So Pros's and Con's
1.  They live in Eden ( pro and con )...... Love the house, the land, the drive in the daytime ( hard to find at 730pm )
2.  The power went out ( pro and con ) We had so much fun with it though, I am so easy breezy and so are they.  They were gracious enough to still have me over with no power on.  LOVE THEM
3.  The Food was EXCELLENT ( pro )
4.  The Company was EXCELLENT ( pro )

I had so much fun I didn't want to leave. By the time I did It was 11pm, then I had the 28 minute ride home ( con, sad )

We are soooooo doing that again !!

And then this morning on the way to work a freaking Mallard Duck flies onto my path from Nowhere !!!!
I mean it literally tried to land on the roof of my car, so when I swerved around it, it then tried to land in my driver side window.  I about died of fear of killing this bird.  It was not this happy when it was diving at me by the way !!!!

Oh Lord what a start to my day !!

Well That Didnt Last too Long

So what ever happened to Judge Not lest ye be judged ?

Just curious since I work with some of the meanest, most spiteful, nasty, women I have ever met.  They are all so quick to "judge" everyone else but never stop to look at themselves.  And to be fair its not all of them.  But its probably 30/40.  To be fair(er) we also have two men that work with me that don't give a crap about anything.  So ha ha ha.  I mean I am not perfect by far, but I try to take others into consideration. 

But this place is breaking me down. 
To the point that my sunny disposition is being robbed.
I am done !!
No more being nice to people, no more "extras" like candy at my desk.
No more speaking until spoken to
No more extra help to co-workers

Nothing, I'm DONE
They have pissed off the nice girl for the last time.
And its too bad.  Cause they are missing out on a great thing !

Today is a Great Day !

So I fell down again on blogging but its because I had school again. 
This was the MOST stressed I felt about school in a long time since I had a total of 3 weeks to study for a midterm, write a power point, and present an entire chapter on sleep disorders from memory.

It was a lot to do, and learn in the midst of having my "life", work and everything else in between. 

But I am the happiest I have been in a long time because :

1.  I have no more stress about the weekend with school cause I lived thru it !
2.  I got a 100% on my presentation
3. I got a 90% on my midterm !

So school is now done for 5 weeks when I go back for my final !

Its nice to take a deep breath and relax. 

The adoption things are still the same, no changes until we take our class and are then home studied.  I am now going to work on finalizing our profile book for prospective mothers to review.  Its like a 20 page advertisement to "pick" Dan and I for parenthood.  *sigh*

You know when you can have your own kids you do not have to prove your worthiness to anyone....... just saying.

Oh and BTW it is 68 degrees outside.  Last time I blogged we had excellent weather !

Life is good !

Wacky Wed

So its Buffalo, In March and its 60 degrees at least !
Sun is out, windows down in my car on the way to work, Sunroof open and sunglasses on!  Days like this I am genuinely happy !

Days like this give me hope, courage, and faith that there is something wonderful waiting for Dan and I.  I love days like today !

But back today being weird !
My dentist was being a little bit of a creeper today !?
He was like flirting with me and throwing around all of this weird sexual innuendo.
Like ew......
He's like my Dad's age ( like 60 + )
I'm Married

Maybe its the weather.  So I will let it go this time
But it was very odd. 

So Tired

So I was so Tired yesterday that I left my house Keys in my door Overnight  !
BIG OOPS !!!
Thanks to all my honest neighbors for not stealing my car or breaking into my house!

I don't know why Monday's can do that do us.  But this is going to be a busy week for me with school and work, and my looming medical issues etc.....

I feel so drained lately. 
Good news is that I was able to add more money to the adoption pot !
Got some more money saved.  We have a long way to go though, I'm sure people do not know or are afraid to ask but adoption is expensive.
Unless you foster to adopt ( which is free-ish)
But we want to raise a child start to finish and fostering the point is to reunite families and We do not want a child to come into our home, fall in love with it, and send it on its way.

So Domestic adoption is usually less expensive than international adoption due to travel expenses.
Private adoption can be less expensive than Domestic ( in case anyone knows anyone --- were looking ...... LOL )
Ah. If only it were that easy

But the point is its expensive,  like buying an SUV with cash all at one time.
Not a used one.  But it is all worth it in the end.
To see that miracle that someone carried into the world for us, that gift that we cant give ourselves.  That's the end goal that makes it all worth it.

Monday, Monday

Isn't this the Title of a song ?

Any who Good Morning to all my friends and Fam and followers !
Its Monday, yahoo !
Well at least it is Sunny for the moment, and I have a coffee in front of me and some lunch for later and some candy for the day.
Little things make me happy. 

I had a wonderful weekend with the Girls on Saturday night and my best friends Katie and Logan on Sunday.  And in between all I did was live at my computer doing homework and worked on our adoption profile book.

The homework made my head hurt.
The profile book is fun, and coming along, but it takes some thought and
I still have a lot of editing and adding to do.
Its odd because when you can have kids you never have to think about "selling yourself" to someone as why you would make good parents.
You just know you would.  Its a hard line to walk...... selling yourselves but not being too pushy.

So I am working very hard....... being me is exhausting !

So Much for Writing Every day

Happy March Folks !
I am sooooo busy with school I can not even think straight !

I feel like I am neglecting myself, Dan, others, especially others who are helping me along this adoption process.  ( so I apologize for not being around to : Sandy, Mike M, Mike A , Kelly, Katie, Logan, Amy and Chris ........ )
If I left you out I am sorry to you too ! ( Matt and Dena -- even though your not here )
I can barely pick up my phone some days to text let alone call.
But I am alive and well.

So work is going well, school is stressing me the hell out.
School is making me wonder if I have time right now ?
I mean I pride myself on being a good student, and I just feel like there is never
enough time.  My God what will I do when I get a child ?

Then of course there are my hopes for a child.  I dream of making my new nursery,
buying new baby things, naming a new child.  I have hopes that I once thought were dead and gone with Caleb. 

I miss Caleb, daily, but I keep smiling when I remember all of the joy he brought to my life.  And all of the things I am still learning today because he was here with us. But yeah, I miss him.

Adele

So why did I not know how good Adele's music was until this year ?
I am way late to the Adele train but she is so good !!

1. Rolling In The Deep
2. Rumor Has It
3. Set Fire To the Rain
4. Someone Like you

I had no idea she sang all of this.  I'm so excited, sitting here singing along and typing. 
So Yeah, that's my giant revelation of the day today. 
I keep meaning to Blog everyday but I am so busy with school and stuff I am just drained
and can't bring myself to do it.  LOL
But I am going to give it my all from now on.  Day to day.......
I also have some great Blogs to look at for Great ideas ( Thanks Kym )