It feels so good to be back amongst living people.
Doing normal mundane things like driving my car, going to work, and watching TV.
You ever wake up from a really good dream and try really hard to get back to sleep or you've got the flu and promise yourself you'll appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it. That's how I felt all last week !
This week is better. Its cold out but the sun is high in the sky.
I have a hair appt Sat. That's always fun and exciting.
I am struggling a little with my new identity of being me, or how others see me, or how I see me.
I am a Full Time employee, Graduate Student, Mother, Bereaved Parent, Soon to be Adoptive Parent, Short, Obese, Woman. Pretty much in that order.
I am having a hard time with reconciling events that are coming up that have to do with Infant Loss when I am not particularly "sad" at the moment. I have moved onto a different stage of grief. For a few months now I have felt Happy, Blessed, Thankful, and Proud of my son Caleb and the time I was granted with him. So the idea of going to any events that would make me sad bother me.
I do not want to be comforted, I do not want to be coddled, I do not want to be bo-hooed. Instead I want to smile, and dance, and remember all of the good that my son has brought into my life and continues to do on a daily basis :
1. Graduate School - without Caleb I would never have found the strength to go back to school for my calling of really helping people
2. Kidney Disease - Not a wonderful thing in it of itself but now that I know I have it I can better live my life, get healthy and live longer
3. Adoption - Caleb has brought us the opportunity to have a brother or sister for him through the gift of adoption as well as some wonderful irreplaceable people that I have met in Amy & Chris & Nick ( their family is such a God Send )
We were meant to meet !
I am so Blessed and Happy this year as opposed to last year. 2012 is meant to be our year ! Don't get me wrong, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my son or miss him terribly. But Now I know why they say things happen for a reason.
Caleb fulfilled his reasons for us in just 58 days. I am so lucky to have gotten a chance to be his mommy.
Love, Love, Love this post. I am So happy for you Jamie. I've seen you grow ten fold in the past year. Sometimes, it takes heartbreaking life lessons to figure out our place in life, but in the end, we figure it out. My PPD taught me that. I am a full time working, Wife, Mother, Special needs advocate for my sons,mom of special needs children, home maker, small business owner, PPD survivor not once, but 2 times, in 2 years, Obese women, who STILL dreams of going back to school to become what I want to be (a RN). In that order :-) However, if that list was any different, I would't be who I am today, and I like me (outside of the obese part, I really want other then that, but baby steps Kym, Baby steps) I am SO glad I got to spend time with you on Saturday. I had a ton of fun and it was SO amazing to see you and hug you again. We can't let 15/16 years go by till we get to do that again!
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